Experiencing Inner Life

i have been deepening involvement with the way of non-duality...   reading adyashanti, ken wilber, and krishnamurti...

beginning to attend satsangs...  did so this past weekend and had a 1:1 meeting (resting in presence) with a man (Florian Schlosser) who possesses a deep inner connection -  here is the description i put into words of the experience about four hours later...

Who would I be without my concepts, without my beliefs about how things are, about how I am, without how things should be? Today, I am experiencing a taste of this. With such gratitude I sit here looking out the window witnessing the soft orange feathery streak known as clouds resting across the pale blue background that we call sky. In the foreground I witness the hummingbird rapidly fluttering in place at the feeder. A thought passes through awareness – how much energy must be required to hoover stationary in order to drink the red liquid in the feeder. What has meaning for me is how much energy I expend unnecessarily in my day – every day!

As I sit, now, I notice the inner experience: calm, quiet, peaceful, content, relaxed, still, open – no sense of having to do anything, my muscles relax, the tension leaves the body.

As we sat together resting in awareness, like having “my own private satsang”, Florian affirmed that there is all the time necessary; no need to rush or to hurry, or to worry about not having enough time. This is another construct of the mind that I have always believed – 'not enough time'. And, the other task master>>Doingness – however, there's nothing I have to do.

Case in point: The chiropractic appointment for re-aligning the body existed in time from 11:15 am until 12:20 p.m. after which was a need to ingest some food before heading off to meet with Florian who was approximately 15 miles away for 1:15 pm– and already the clock indicates 12:40 pm. Letting the thoughts pass through that would worry about 'being late'.

Arriving at 1:20 pm and it's right on time! Plenty of time, he says. All the time we need!

An absolutely transformative experience sitting with another in silence – resting in awareness. We're not meditating, the eyes are open – but soft, unfocused – there is no 'me' or 'him' making their presence known. We are simply together – sharing energy. And, yes, there are some words … words that help clarify what is more true – clearing up what is less true, or misunderstood for a long time.... like:

• the belief in the need to protect one's heart - (which we aren't really conscious of, anymore.. the decision was made so long ago

• how the mind creates clever ways for closing off the heart and keeping it safe from feeling--the "explanations" we provide ourselves

• belief in the need to 'hold back' (emotionally) - protection - the mind provides good rationale for this, as well

• believing that we're flawed and need to fix something... improve, become 'More'

• believing that there's not enough time – which creates immense tension in the body

• believing that there is so much to do – which gives birth to the 'pusher' who must get stuff done...accomplish this or that--externally, or in our home environment--always something 'to do' - can't relax til it's done

• believing in the need to “be-on-top-of-it”

• holding the belief that there is 'so much to do' – therefore, busy-ness becomes a way of life – chronic state of  'doing-ness'

the body responds and muscles take on chronic tension corresponding to protection against particular  emotions and held in place by beliefs

Paying attention to what is happening in one's own body – sensing the sensations there and clearing the tensions.

The system (our nervous system) is unfamiliar with being open – receiving impressions from another... from life.

How close can I allow you to feel me – and how close can you allow me to feel you?

The mind kicks in to “process” the information, intellectually – in this way, we stay safe.

More energy is used for tasks than is required – there is a tendency to over-focus – as though the ON switch has become stuck in the ON position – it feels like hyper-vigilance – for example: as well as the busy-ness and the doing-ness, notice the MIND chatter, notice the discomfort with silence with another—must not have a lull in the conversation—or, having the television on for background “noise” even when not watching it.

Notice the tone of the voice – ways we speak that don't connect (we may not hear it but the other feels it

one's monotone... or forcefulness or the volume of the voice.

All of the ways of being 'ON' is how we protect the heart.

Vigilance is the residue of survival-mode – from our past.

We felt unsafe – and we were clever enough to find just the right coping strategy to keep us safe. And it worked!! However, maybe now the fear of really connecting – the fear of really being seen or heard, the fear of reaching out, the fear of really making contact (we avert our eyes from each other – we say that we're shy), we're clever--relating from the mind -- all serves to protect the Heart.

My 'take-away' from my connection with Florian:

He said, again and again: “Let the Heart Break”

What does that mean? I kept wondering. Finally, I heard an example he shared. Such a common occurrence - … feeling misunderstood... or someone behaving unconsciously in a way that feels hurtful...

This is my understanding of Letting the Heart Break - allowing the feelings to go all-the-way through – not defending in our usual ways – Not telling myself – 'oh, don't take it personally', Not making the other person wrong, Not saying 'it doesn't matter' or hiding behind “spirituality” by claiming that 'it's not real'... Not even separating the observer of the pain from the observed... the key word here being separation...

Rather, really allowing the feelings to move through with Compassion—for all – for this body system (that I call 'me') and for the other – there is no two – we are One--no separation.

Being OPEN to life – without resisting anything, without trying to avoid this or that experience because we believe it will be unpleasant, or won't like it or because it will be difficult...

Allowing the body to reorganize without trying to 'figure out' what's happening.

As a result of energy exchange in his presence, my physical system (body) feels at peace, relaxed, open. We'll see what will be, tomorrow.